Saturday, May 2, 2009

New Goals

Well, today was not my happy day.
I participated in the Minnesota Sate High-School League Music Competition today, like I have done the past three years. Every year prior I have gotten 38/40, a Superior Rating. This year, for some unknown reason, the judge gave me a 34/40. Only an excellent. I was, and still am, crushed. It's not like I didn't sing well. I sang probably the best I've ever sang before, and got shot down. I was pretty devastated. So this means I won't get a chance to perform my solo at the Honor's concert this year. I'll still get to sing my duet with Sam, and I'm glad of that, because we are going to scandalize all of Trinity with "La Ci Darem la Mano". But it's not the same. Anne was so wonderful to me. She gave me a hug while I cried on the way back on the bus, and she shared my fate; getting only a 34/40, when she deserved soooooo much more. (she had the same judge) I can only admire her fortitude and giving spirit.
Another disappointment was on the way, however. I got a chance to look at the artwork for the Spring Art Show, and my art didn't even come close to deserving a blue ribbon. I am doubly crushed now. My hopes for this year as a senior were to attain a best-of-site at State and a Best-of-show for art. I mean, is that so outlandish, when three years running I get the second highest possible awards? I don't think so. But now all hope for those accomplishments is gone. I haven't cried that much in a LONG time.
I was crying in the car on the way home, and my dad pulled the car over. He told me, in his firmest voice to pull myself together. God has a plan for me, and he is probably trying to say something to me. I know what it is. These goals I have set for myself are all well and good, but they are truly meaningless. In the grand scheme of things, my awards don't define who I am, they don't serve anything but to fluff my pride and encourage an image of myself which is totally based on the flattery of others. I need to learn to let go of this. I think God is trying to say to tell me that I need to do my best without the hope of recognition. Coming in fourth or fifth is no reason to do less than my best. I was watching The Guardian tonight, and in it there is a young man completely obsessed with being the best. He wants to break every record in the book, until a woman tells him of a man who sacrifices incredible suffering to save someone, and he isn't given any trophy for that. Real life isn't about recognition. That is what destroys marriages so often, people needing to be the center of attention. I need to be like Morcleb, who does all the hard and dirty work, does all the work, and his existence is acknowledged by maybe twelve people at the most at any given time. My goals are misplaced. Instead of recognition, I should be seeking to give my all to God. To achieve things like self-discipline or kindness. These should be my goals. Let this be my new goal; to sacrifice a little of myself every day, in any way I can, until my life be only the pipe through which God's graces flow.

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